A mum messaged me last week with a line I hear often: "There are too many options!"

She'd been sent three glossy proposals by three different companies. Each one looked wonderful but none of them told her whether it would actually work for a family with a five-year-old who still naps, a twelve-year-old who wants to be in the water, and grandparents who tire by mid-afternoon. That gap, between what looks lovely in a brochure and what works when you're all tired, hot and three flights from home, is the gap i've spent the last few years helping to close.

I've lived in Cape Town since 2010, planned family trips across ten countries, and travelled most of them with my own two children, Sienna and Oscar. So this isn't a checklist I read somewhere. It's what I've learned from getting it right, and of course, occasionally from getting it wrong. Here's how we'd talk it through if we were sitting at my kitchen table together at home.

Start with your family, not the destination

Most people begin by asking "where should we go?" I'd gently turn that around. The country matters far less, at first, than being honest about who's actually coming and what they need.

Before I suggest a single lodge, I want to know the ages of your children, how they cope with early mornings and long car days, whether anyone gets carsick or anxious, how your family likes to spend a holiday at home, and what you're each hoping for. The dad who wants to walk in the bush and the eight-year-old who wants to hold a chameleon are describing the same trip only if I plan it that way.

Get the family part right and the destination almost chooses itself. Skip it, and even the most beautiful itinerary can quickly fall apart on day one.

Age changes everything

If there's one question I'm asked more than any other, it's whether their children are old enough. My honest answer is that there's no single right age but there is a right trip for every age. I recently wrote a whole piece on what age is best for a safari because the number on its own tells you so little.

Under about five, the game drives need to be shorter, the pool matters as much as the lions, and I steer families toward properties built for little ones rather than hushed, grown-up camps. From six to eleven is, for many families, the sweet spot: children are curious, they can sit through a morning drive, and they remember it forever. Teenagers need a different kind of trip again — a bit of adrenaline, some independence, and ideally a project of their own. I've gathered what works for older kids in make it count: the family holiday for teenagers.

If you have children spread across those bands, that's normal and very solvable — it's exactly why I built the plan by kids' age tool, and why a place like Tanzania can work so well, with different areas suiting different ages (here's how I'd map Tanzania by age group).

When my own two were three and six, we chose camps with fenced pools, flexible mealtimes and guides who were happy to make the whole thing a treasure hunt. The wildlife was extraordinary, but what saved that trip was matching it to the children I had, not the serene safari I might have pictured before they came along.

What "family-friendly" actually means

"Family-friendly" is written on almost everything now, which is precisely why it's stopped meaning much. When I use it, I mean something specific: no minimum-age barriers on game drives, guides who engage well with children, family rooms or interconnecting tents so no one's sleeping alone, flexible meal times, and a bit of space to run around between activities.

Plenty of highly rated camps quietly exclude under-sixes from vehicles, or seat everyone at a fixed 8pm dinner that no tired child can manage. None of that appears in a brochure. It's the sort of detail I check before I ever put a property in front of you. I've written more on what makes a safari truly family-friendly, because the label and the reality are often two different things.

Be honest about health, malaria and distance

If you have very young children, or you're simply not comfortable with anti-malarial medication, we have wonderful malaria-free options. Much of South Africa's Eastern Cape and the Waterberg, for example, put you in front of big game without that worry.

Distance and pace matter just as much. A family flying long-haul with small children shouldn't then face six-hour transfers on their first day. I plan arrivals gently, keep the first night close to the airport where it makes sense, and build in a soft landing. It's rarely the wildlife that catches families out, it's the travel between the wildlife.

Matching the country to your family

Once I understand your family, choosing between countries becomes far less overwhelming. As a rough guide to how I think about the classic starting points:

• For first-timers with mixed ages wanting variety i mostly recommend South Africa for great safari, coast and city in one trip options, easy logistics and a malaria-free environment.
• Dreaming of big open plains and the migration then Kenya or Tanzania is top of the list. Iconic East African game viewing and Swahili-coast beaches. Bliss.
• Wanting water, mokoros and real remoteness then Botswana is a favourite. The Okavango Delta; fewer crowds and brilliant guiding.
• If you are looking for self-drive or dramatic landscapes with teens then Namibia is a great option. Dunes and space; independence and a proper road-trip exploratory feel.
• If you are keen on walking safaris and an "old-Africa" atmosphere i'd recommend Zambia or Zimbabwe. With popular destinations such as South Luangwa and Victoria Falls and the most highly qualified guides on the continent.

Do remember that the best of these trips reach well beyond the animals. One of my favourite mornings anywhere was spent walking with the San Bushmen in Botswana, my children wide-eyed as they learned to read tracks in the sand. Nobody photographed a lion that morning — but it is a memory that will stay with them for years.

Think about pace, not just place

A safari means early starts, long drives and a lot of stimulation. This is magical, but after three or four days can be tiring for children. This is why I often finish a trip on the coast, swapping game drives for warm ocean and absolutely nothing on the schedule.

That safari-and-beach rhythm is, for my money, the format that works best for families. The bush fills them up; the beach lets everyone breathe out. I've set out the routes I'd actually recommend for combining the two, from Mozambique's islands to Zanzibar. If you're travelling for a family milestone, sometimes the right answer is a whole property to yourselves, which is what our private stays are for.

Talk about money honestly, early

I'd rather have the budget conversation at the start than design something lovely you then have to unpick. Family travel in Africa spans an enormous range, and the price reflects the season, the style of camp, the flying between them and how remote you go.

If cost is a factor there are levers we can pull such as travelling in shoulder season, choosing family-run camps over the big names and driving instead of flying a leg. I've written my genuine, no-spin numbers in how much does an African family safari cost, so you can walk into this with your eyes open rather than be surprised later.

How I actually help you choose

Choosing the right family safari isn't really about finding the "best" trip (hint: there isn't one). It's about finding the trip that fits your family, at this age, with these interests, this year at this price. That's a matter of judgement, and judgement comes from having been there, usually with my own children in tow.

But mostly, choosing well starts with a conversation. Tell me who's coming, what everyone loves and doesn't, and what you're hoping to feel when you get home. From there, the right trip tends to reveal itself.

When you're ready, lets's start a conversation about your next African adventure.